some days...

sometimes i wish i were living a different life as a different person in some new exotic place far away. not that i don't love my life now, but i just wish that sometimes i could experience new things that i've yet to experience. like life over-seas in paris or france. or crazy exhilarating things like bungee jumping or parasailing. or love and relationships other than those with family and friends. i mean, like change your life, wake up elated, smile for no reason, soul inspiring love. sometimes i wish i were someone or somewhere else because i feel like after 22 years of having no success in this field, maybe id actually have a chance at it if i were not me or not where i am currently. there is someone though (when isn't there, really) that i do care for immensely. we are so much alike in many ways and in that retrospect we are very very different in other ways. i want a relationship. he doesn't. i like him. he doesn't like me. my friends think he does. he thinks not. which is more important than what others think im afraid. i dont know what to do with myself. its heartbreaking to wake up with or without him in my bed, just knowing that today will never be my day. the thing is, we are such good friends, i never want to ruin that. but where is the balance? where is my happy ending? he gets his. he gets the physicality and the emotional aspect of it all without the commitment. and i just hand it to him on a silver platter. and the only thing he has to deal with is the occasional "talk", where we decide to officially be "just friends", then break that rule day(s) later. is this the never-ending cycle of my life? is this the never-ending cycle of my right now, with him? he used to like me so much and now nothing? it makes me wonder how true his feelings were for me to begin with, so many years ago when he actually did "like" me. because if "j" (not the current guy but the guy before him) were to walk into my life right now and we got really close and he were to ask me out, no matter how heartbroken he made me feel before, i think i could honestly say that all my feelings would rush back to me and id honest to goodness like him again. but thats because i really liked him. i say im over him now and that i wouldnt but really, if the opportunity were to present itself again, i dont know, i really think id go for it. so that leaves me thinking two things about current guy. 1) he never really liked me....just had a tiny infatuation with me. or 2) he really does like me despite what he says but he doesnt want a relationship. i mean, i know he doesnt want a relationship but why would he lie to me then about liking me? maybe to make things better for me? well, spending the night a few times a week does not help. in fact, it hurts. a lot.