one of those days...

yes, i am having one of those awkward, don't feel quite right days. it's about him but doesn't stem from him. i don't know what to do but struggle through this and be better for it later.

in response...

...to something I just saw.
-You may be looking, but you will never find what you are looking for unless you stop chasing the ungettable and actually open yourself up to the possible. You like the chase my friend, but once you get it? Then what? Open your eyes friend. You don't want what you think you want, therefore you'll never get what you deserve. You won't find it here. Not now. Not anymore. You had it, and you lost it. You let it go away. And it lost you too, but what is the bigger loss? Maybe when you find yourself, you'll find it. Give a few more years, because your time is not now. I told a friend today that I was perfectly content...and I am, for now. But I still pray that our time will come around again. I just hope its not too late before that happens. Because after all this, I refuse to wait around for you. My life has already begun, and you are nowhere in it.

finding the balance

Joe told me this, you know, to "find the balance" within my life. At first I was like "impossible right now". But I've really been focusing on what I need versus what I want and I feel like slowly yet surely, I am finding it! Lately, I've had no need to be with/see this boy any more than really needed. I've been content though with the time that we have spent together, not getting upset at his departure for the evening. And I feel like our friendship is steadily becoming like it was before...okay, a little better! I feel like I am in a good place, and gosh dern it, I feel happy, like truly happy for the first time in a long time! Thank you Joe!

some days...

sometimes i wish i were living a different life as a different person in some new exotic place far away. not that i don't love my life now, but i just wish that sometimes i could experience new things that i've yet to experience. like life over-seas in paris or france. or crazy exhilarating things like bungee jumping or parasailing. or love and relationships other than those with family and friends. i mean, like change your life, wake up elated, smile for no reason, soul inspiring love. sometimes i wish i were someone or somewhere else because i feel like after 22 years of having no success in this field, maybe id actually have a chance at it if i were not me or not where i am currently. there is someone though (when isn't there, really) that i do care for immensely. we are so much alike in many ways and in that retrospect we are very very different in other ways. i want a relationship. he doesn't. i like him. he doesn't like me. my friends think he does. he thinks not. which is more important than what others think im afraid. i dont know what to do with myself. its heartbreaking to wake up with or without him in my bed, just knowing that today will never be my day. the thing is, we are such good friends, i never want to ruin that. but where is the balance? where is my happy ending? he gets his. he gets the physicality and the emotional aspect of it all without the commitment. and i just hand it to him on a silver platter. and the only thing he has to deal with is the occasional "talk", where we decide to officially be "just friends", then break that rule day(s) later. is this the never-ending cycle of my life? is this the never-ending cycle of my right now, with him? he used to like me so much and now nothing? it makes me wonder how true his feelings were for me to begin with, so many years ago when he actually did "like" me. because if "j" (not the current guy but the guy before him) were to walk into my life right now and we got really close and he were to ask me out, no matter how heartbroken he made me feel before, i think i could honestly say that all my feelings would rush back to me and id honest to goodness like him again. but thats because i really liked him. i say im over him now and that i wouldnt but really, if the opportunity were to present itself again, i dont know, i really think id go for it. so that leaves me thinking two things about current guy. 1) he never really liked me....just had a tiny infatuation with me. or 2) he really does like me despite what he says but he doesnt want a relationship. i mean, i know he doesnt want a relationship but why would he lie to me then about liking me? maybe to make things better for me? well, spending the night a few times a week does not help. in fact, it hurts. a lot.

randomness

I feel like I'm doing a lot better than I have been doing these past few weeks. Though things with a certain person are as muddled as ever, I feel like I know his opinion on this whole situation and though it is not what I necessarily want, it helps me through my day. After talking with my friend Joe, he brought up something that makes complete sense and I don't know why I haven't thought of it before. Oh wait, I have, except that it is going to be super hard to do and thinking about it now makes me a little upset. Anyways, Joe said that I can't give this guy the cake and let him eat it too. And he is completely right. He said that I need to set boundaries with this guy, and boundaries are what is going to be set. No more late night rendezvous for us. He gets none of that. I mean Jesus, this whole weekend was nothing but giving in and...no. Just no. I'm through. And hell, Spring Break is right around the corner. I don't even plan on talking to him not even once till after the break. Hopefully my friend Joe will come visit during the break and my life will be exponentially better just from that!