Little Lessons

Today, I decided to do something nice for myself. I figured since I've been so busy loving other people, I needed time to stop and love myself for a little while. So, I took myself out to lunch. Just me and astronomy homework :) And I didn't feel awkward or lonely. I felt strong and healthy and independent. I felt damn good! One turkey burger and two to-go sweet teas later, I found myself wandering over to my friends room where, shortly after I got there, he passed out leaving his computer open for whatever. And to my surprise I caught my friend Joe online. My friend Joe is wonderful. By far, one of the best people I've met in my life. He can read me like a book, and unlike most guys, is not an idiot when it comes to the obvious. Thank you God for at least one of them! First thing he asks me is if I've been lovesick and I guess to a certain extent I have been. So I replied yes and what followed made my entire day. He put a lot of things into perspective for me that I wouldn't have thought about till then. This whole "thing" thats going on with this guy is a whole lot simpler than I've been making it out to be. Joe's biggest advice? "Just let it play out". He also told me that this whole "not talking to the guy thing" is just a form of instant gratification and that I should avoid that and suffer through this. I mean, not technically s.u.f.f.e.r. but I should just ride it out with all of its highs and lows. And then at the end of everything I can say that I've learned something. And, if you don't me and haven't talked to me, then you may not know this little fact about me. I am a huge, I mean GINORMOUS believer in learning something from your experiences and hardships and just from every day life. With every relationship I've had, whether it be friends or an actual boyfriend type relationship, I've been able to take something with me that I'll never forget. Even my friend Joe: he set the standard for guys I date in the future. He is just that wonderful! After all was said and done, he said one final thing (well, not final final, but pretty close to final). He said that no matter what, me and this guy were friends first, whether is started with him liking me or me liking hin. Joe told me to cherish this friendship. He told me to be the wonderful person that he knows I am and maybe, just maybe the guy will change his mind. For now though, don't count on it. No games, be happy, be me. That made my whole day!

~~Is knowing or not knowing the true reality of a situation? People go through their everyday lives not knowing a lot of stuff and are usually the better for it. That is their reality, however confusing and not up to par it may be. And then there are those times when you find out something that maybe you shouldn't have known that throws your world in a complete spiral. Then that becomes your reality. But can we pick and choose which one we'd rather believe? We choose everything else. What we want to eat, what we want to watch on tv, where we want to go. Why can't we choose our reality? I wish that option was available to us, because believe me, my life would be a lot less complicated if I did get to choose. Granted, some things we NEED to hear and other things are "luxuries". Even though these other things are not very luxurious at all.
~~I want a time machine. The end.
~~That break that I so desperately needed from someone begins now. We, as friends, are on good terms. Me, as a person so in liking of this person, is a "make you fall to your knees crying" sort of situation. When did I lose the power, huh? I mean, its too late now. It's gone and I pray to God that one day I'll get it back...or at least share it. But today is not the day unfortunately. And I'm trying something new with old but new people and my heart is not in it. Maybe it isn't because it shouldn't be. Maybe it's not because I am, in fact, hung up on someone else. Who knows? I don't know if I really want to find out. I'm at a point now where I don't know if I WANT to be single or NEED to be single.
~~I'm making a change. I am stopping. I'm stopping this whole fucked up relationship. I'm stopping smoking (gradually). I am going to start over and enjoy life and myself. I'm going to stop worrying about stupid stuff and start living life like it needs to be lived. Harmoniously!

V-Day

I KNOW Valentine's Day is all about love. All kinds of love, not just the kind that you share with a significant other. I mean, if you actually break that down, significant means important and other means, well...someone else that is not yourself. So can't your friends also be considered your "significant other"? From there I just want to say that overall, I had a fabulous Valentine's Day. Besides having to work this morning, I ended up going out on a friend date with Katie Marlowe who, bless her heart, keeps me so sane. Without her, I don't know what I'd do without her. We went to Longhorne which, after waiting for an hour for a table, ended up being an amazing dinner and a really great time! Then we hit Jim's B-day/V-day party. We stayed for about an hour then hit the road. Idk what it was but neither of us felt in the "party" mood. As we sat silently in the car riding back, I realized why we both were kinda glum. Even though we both love our friends dearly and KNOW that V-Day isn't about THAT kind of love, it hit us. We may not be alone, but dammit, we are lonely. And sad, and it's sad that I'm sad, but things are not the same as they used to be. And this sadness is hitting me from all different angles and I feel my life spinning out of control at times. First reason I feel this way is I miss the days when everyone was truly friends with everyone. Where there wasn't drama or fake ass people pretending to be your friend and then not so secretly talking about you behind your back. I feel like I could count my TRUE friends on one hand and that is so dissapointing to me. And on top of that, my friend Jono is gone and I've been missing him so much lately. I wish he'd come back because he really used to put things in perspective for me. Other things that make me sad are boys. I know, I know. Silly me. But I can't help it. I hate feeling so vulnerable and I hate that the one person I thought I could count on to like me because he has liked me for so long, is the one person that is breaking my heart. And I know he's only looking out for my best interest, but sometimes I think I truly do hate him for all of this. And then there is also the other guy who actually does like me...a lot. And I'm still trying to sort out my feelings for him. I keep praying that they'll come, but they haven't yet and I keep wondering if they ever will. Anyways...hate to sound so depressing so I think I'll stop now.