You Can't Always Get What You Want...

"...but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need."

Lately, I have been so consumed with just everything. Life. School. I'm sure I look fine on the outside, but inside I am such a wreck. I get around certain people and I just feel so self-conscious and I just want to break down and cry. I feel like things are going my way and not all at the same time. I'm starting to really hate parts of my past, but I guess those parts were essential to becoming who I am today, though sometime I hate that too. I think I may go on a hiatus soon. I can't be around a certain person because I just can't. I start to act weird: not myself at all. And it's mainly because I feel like I've lost my ability to let my gaurd down around them, which I hate, because it hasn't always been that way. I want to go back a little ways and take away all my feelings and then maybe things wouldn't be like they are now. So there's that. And then, the self-conscious/paranoid side of me kicks in and I start to doubt friendships and things that I think are true. Just so this next part will make sense (to me), I feel like I must share this; I may be "pretty", but I have ALWAYS been the best friend: the other girl. It has happened several times throughout my life where I would like a guy and he would meet my best friend at the moment and go for her. And sometimes she would pursue it and other times not. Either way, that always remains in the back of my mind. He liked her instead of me. And the friendship, of course, is never and will never be the same again. Alas, it has happened yet again, and even though my best friend is totally against dating this guy and claims she could never like him back, the fact that he likes her is enough for me to become very standoff-ish even though she doesn't deserve it because it is not her fault. That is the other reason I want to go on this hiatus. To get away from all of that and not have to deal with it, though i know I inevitably will have to. Till then, my room is warm and there are always new books to read and shows to watch. I have work tomorrow and then I think I may just cut myself off from the world. I need a break from it and it needs a break from me.