another one of those days...

I tried to do that whole hiatus thing today. It worked for the most part, I guess. After I got off of work, I went back to my place and had lunch and then slpet for like 4 hours. Then, of course, because I am such a people person, I had to talk to someone. So, it started out with Lena, ending with a few errand runs for her. Then, Jono stopped by and I hung out with him and THAT led to shots at Picassos with Lena, Jono, and Patrick. Which was cool. I love them so thats no biggie. And then, while I was with India and Brittain, HE came in to say goodnight. One of the people I didn't want to see. Here's to tomorrow, I guess. I think that may go over better because I have work at 4pm, which means when I get off, I can go to bed and then I won't even have a chance to see him. I don't know why I'm feeling the way I am towards him. I mean, as Katie kindly pointed out, I was so unsure about him BEFORE he actually told me that he didn't care about me 'that way'. So why am I all stressed out now? I guess its because he was the guy I thought I could fall back on and then I realized I couldn't. So now I'm left feeling stupid. Hell, I don't really know HOW I feel. I like him, I don't like him, in fact, I HATE him, but I love him to death. Maybe I just liked the thought of him. Maybe I just liked the thought of him liking me. I still feel a little animosity towards him, hence not wanting to see him. My goal is to stay away until after break, and then by then, I doubt I'll even care anymore. And then it can be like it was when I made fun of him and there was that friendly banter between us. How about, I am done with him.

You Can't Always Get What You Want...

"...but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need."

Lately, I have been so consumed with just everything. Life. School. I'm sure I look fine on the outside, but inside I am such a wreck. I get around certain people and I just feel so self-conscious and I just want to break down and cry. I feel like things are going my way and not all at the same time. I'm starting to really hate parts of my past, but I guess those parts were essential to becoming who I am today, though sometime I hate that too. I think I may go on a hiatus soon. I can't be around a certain person because I just can't. I start to act weird: not myself at all. And it's mainly because I feel like I've lost my ability to let my gaurd down around them, which I hate, because it hasn't always been that way. I want to go back a little ways and take away all my feelings and then maybe things wouldn't be like they are now. So there's that. And then, the self-conscious/paranoid side of me kicks in and I start to doubt friendships and things that I think are true. Just so this next part will make sense (to me), I feel like I must share this; I may be "pretty", but I have ALWAYS been the best friend: the other girl. It has happened several times throughout my life where I would like a guy and he would meet my best friend at the moment and go for her. And sometimes she would pursue it and other times not. Either way, that always remains in the back of my mind. He liked her instead of me. And the friendship, of course, is never and will never be the same again. Alas, it has happened yet again, and even though my best friend is totally against dating this guy and claims she could never like him back, the fact that he likes her is enough for me to become very standoff-ish even though she doesn't deserve it because it is not her fault. That is the other reason I want to go on this hiatus. To get away from all of that and not have to deal with it, though i know I inevitably will have to. Till then, my room is warm and there are always new books to read and shows to watch. I have work tomorrow and then I think I may just cut myself off from the world. I need a break from it and it needs a break from me.