schtoof

currently, i am eating ice cream and this has to be the most amazing thing that i've put into my mouth in awhile! really it's quite fantastic! aside from this wonderful experience i do have something more important to put out there.

-i've recently developed this kindergarten crush on a guy that i work with. he really is a swell guy, but i've been wondering lately why i am even wasting my time on something that, in the end, will amount to nothing. i surely am not looking for anything serious, especially from a guy here, especially since i am heading back to columbus super soon. i don't think my crush has been obvious because i have been making an effort to NOT make it obvious. the other night however, i was talking to him online, and he pretty much admitted to having feelings for me, but quickly followed that up with "but i don't want to be in a serious relationship"....okay? and? what do you want exactly? i mean, why would he even tell me that he likes me when he doesn't want anything from it. it's like lying all your cards face-up on the table for nothing. i didn't really know what to say. stupidly, i asked if he was just looking to hook up (because i'm so over that). he said no (thank goodness). we then said, pretty generically, that we should hang out soon. and since then, i've had so many things running through my head. and then i came to a conclusion. i do not want to put up with any of this. despite that it could possibly maybe but probably not, turn into something great, i just don't want to deal with it. so i am not. and in a true kindergarten crush sort of way, i will most likely just ignore the situatin and him until i am back at school. and then i can send a little message explaining how sorry i am that i didn't get to say goodbye before i left and that maybe i'll see him throughout the year. if not then definitely next summer. i am cutting this rope now and letting that boat float wherever else it needs to, because it isn't docking here. he's cute, but definitely not worth it. sorry buddy.

down...foot...mine

Let me preface by saying that I had an absolutely AMAZING time in Columbus this weekend. I adored seeing all of my wonderful friends.

HOWEVER:

I am tired and exhausted and fed-up and just thoroughly pissed that I let myself get walked on and pushed around by a certain someone. He snaps his fingers and I come a-runnning and that is so very pathetic of me. I am putting my foot down. I'm exclaming my freedom from *his controlling nature. That's all it is. It isn't about emotions, except for maybe the ones that pour from me when I have nothing to think about and lots of alone time. It isn't about the physicality of it, though I did think it was about that. Oh, no, it's about the whole control aspect. *He is controlling me and how I think and feel and he knows he can get what he wants when he wants it and I AM FED UP!!!! *He can't anymore, I won't let him. *He can go fuck off for all I care. I've done a lot of thinking (I had a good 5 hour ride back to Camden) and I know in my very being that I never want to date him again...I never want to be his friend. *He doesn't deserve anything, ANYTHING, I have to offer. *He is nowhere near being worthy and I am so happy that I have finally come to my senses and realized this. I am happy that I can finally say this and actually mean it. In the past I'd say this, but in my heart, I would tell myself that that isn't true and that one day, we'd be together, either as a couple or as friends. HA! No more! I do have to thank *him for making me realize that I am through putting up with this bullshit and that I deserve someone 10 times better a person than he will ever, EVER EVER EVER be! THANK YOU to the asshole that toughened me up a little bit!

newly dug grave

so i'm in a financial hole right now that i cannot seem to dig myself out of no matter how hard i work. and then i get phone call today about some more money i owe, omg! i think i may not audition next semester and just get a job and try and get myself back on track. i absolutely hate considering this option but i really can't think of anything else to do. i mean, i really want/need to come back to csu, so staying in camden for a semester is really out of the equation. ughhh, i don't know what do to...

Stuck in the Middle

1. Sooo, I (and some co-workers: the lovely Brookey-poo, K-Town down, and Ker-Bear) will be making our way down to Itchatutney (lord, i don't know how to spell it) Springs! I'm super excited a) because I think I'll be able to even up these nasty tan lines and b) i've never really got to hang out with Keri besides at work and well, it's work, so yah! Pretty much, when you're at home doing nada or just the norm, think of me floating down a river enjoying all the beauty that nature has to offer.

2. I met a boy which I refer to as boy whenever I speak of him. Boy is pretty nice!

3. I'm ready to go back to school. I mean, I like the money that I'm raking in now, but I miss my friends and just the norm of everyday Columbus life. I'm visiting Thursday through Saturday and I CANNOT wait! Mmmmm :)

Crawling, Standing, Walking, Flying...

My life is good...
This summer has been very much so needed...
I am in a place within myself that is happy and healthy...
I am learning and living...
I am over what was and am embracing what will be...

I cannot express how much all of the above has helped me thus far. I think I was just fed up with happenings in Columbus and now that I've gotten a chance to step back from it all, I've finally been shown the bigger picture. Anyways, let's take a little detour to stuff that's been going on this summer. First and foremost, I went to New York and LOVED it! I mean who doesn't love that city? (except for my dad, psh) I'm making plans now to go back over Christmas break, and if anyone is interested, please, let me know because I don't know if I'd be able to fly alone. (scary) Also, I completed my Chick-fil-a tour of Georgia yesterday with my friend Kathryn. It was amazing! People were loving us! I felt a little like a celebrity and honestly, by the end of the day, I got kinda tired of people taking my picture all the time. Thank you so much Jonathan, India, and Dureyea for meeting us in Columbus! You made my whole day just to see you! ANNDD, plans for Tuesday (because today is Saturday) are that me and a couple of my friends from work are planning on going to some springs and floating down ice cold rivers. I mean, what could get better than that, right?! I'm going to Columbus Thursday. I cannot wait. I miss people like absolute craziness. I love my friends here, but here I'm crazy Sam who sings all the time and is REALLY FRICKIN' unique. In Columbus, I have friends who want to do MORE than drink all the time and hook up. Okay, so my Columbus friends like to drink, but we definitely draw the line there.

Listen, the point of me telling you all about how great my summer has been and how wonderful my life has been this past month or two is a mere declaration of my independence and a declaration of the all consuming love I feel inside. I was reading blogs from previous months and I was pitiful. I mean, just ridiculous. I was so worried about what "he" thought and how "he" treated me and honestly, I guess I never stopped to look at how I was treating myself. Definitely worse than he could ever do because, he is great...for someone else. And now that knowing that has reconstucted itself in me, I have been able to rebuild, redefine, relax, and guess what? Move on...I'm not going to lie and tell you that I had some epiphony or someone came to visit me in a dream and relayed all this confidence and positive energy. Oh no! Honestly, it was after I read the book Eat, Love, Pray (which I owe my whole summer to) that I was finally able to grasp what friends have been trying to beat into me all year! Thank you friends! Anyways, that's that.