Sunday, May 11, 2008
...are you lost or incomplete
I seriously am starting to think that there is something wrong with me. I just don't feel like myself anymore. I'm doubting friendships, I'm doubting myself, I'm doubting life in general. I'm doing things I don't necessarily want to do yet I do them anyways because who the fuck cares anymore. I don't. I feel depressed. I honestly think that I may be. That's so sad to say, but I think it's true. And it's not like I'm all like "Woe is me" all the time or anything. I just feel sad a lot and think about stupid things all the time even when I am surrounded by friends. I'm desperately hoping that this summer will bring about a well needed peace of self. I really want to spend this summer trying to find ME. I want to work out and eat healthy to better myself and I want to read and get tan. I think these things may help me in the long run. I'm just sick and tired of being here in Columbus around people who are so fucking fake sometimes. I'm fed up with peoplen in generaln right now.
I feel...
...lonely
...bored
...unwanted
...useless
...like a burden
...stupid
...ignored
...like i'm annoying
...left behind
...bored
...unwanted
...useless
...like a burden
...stupid
...ignored
...like i'm annoying
...left behind
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Secrets do not make friends...
I have this secret that honestly should have been kept for quite some time. It's a different kind of secret; an on and off again kind of secret. For the most part I enjoy it, but it always comes around to nip me in the butt. Sometimes it helps more than harms and other times it harms way more than it could ever help. For obvious reasons I can never reveal this secret on here, but it is a good one. One that, this time, I shall tell no one.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
I <3 Photography
Just a quick little something before I post something that I found.
Ever since I was little, I've known what I wanted to be when I grew up. (An actress, for those of you who care to know.) But then I started to think about my side job and what I'd be when I wasn't acting aaannndd, photography was it! (Well, that and owning my own restaurant/bakery/coffee shop, and also writing for a magazine.)
Anyways, I was google-ing it up tonight and I stumbled across this photo that I absolutely loved. Enjoy!
Thoughts and Such
Remember when I mentioned before that "people ruin people"? I was thinking about that when I wrote this blog.
There is this song called Human by Jon McLaughlin and in this song there is line that states:
"...after all, we're only human. Always fighting what we're feeling. Hurt instead of healing. Is there any other reason that we stay instead of leaving?" I suppose part of our inabilities come from ourselves and the way that "we accept the love we think we deserve". (a quote from 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower')
My friend India had a very interesting post about this quote that I'd love to share:
""We accept the love we think we deserve."-The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Lately, I've been wondering exactly what this quote meant to me and I think I've finally come to a revelation.Maybe he's fallen out of love with you and you don't know why, or maybe she's obviously still in love with you, but her affections are being shown to another man. Maybe he's too blind to see how perfect you really are for him, or maybe she lets what other people think keep her from being with you, maybe he's too afraid to love you…it doesn't matter. The point is if we accept the love we think we deserve then what does that say about what we think we deserve? And what does that say about these people that have a hold on our hearts? It's been tearing me up inside lately, and I've just been puzzled about what I should do. The thing is I know that the love I deserve, the love we all deserve, is a love where we are loved in return. Obviously we all see something amazing in that other person; something worth fighting for, something that's kept us around for this long, something that makes it hard for us to let go. But in the long run, by holding on so ardently and by hoping, wishing, praying that he'll come around. That he'll realize how well you work together; how perfect things could be we're losing sight of what we deserve and focusing only on what we feel. We're giving up. I saw another quote somewhere that said, "Sometimes its best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve." When you get so caught up in that "perfect" person, you miss the opportunity to find the person who really is perfect for you. If these people that we have given our hearts to don't appreciate it…do they really deserve us? Or maybe it's just that we're so comfortable with them that we're afraid to let go and see what could really be waiting for us."Eventually one of two things will happen: he'll realize you're worth it or you'll finally realize he isn't.""
I just though that this would be nice to share!
I guess my biggest thing is realizing this for myself. It's just that when it comes to matters of the heart, not only do I follow my heart, but in most cases I follow my gut. Speaking of the gut, during 'Blood Wedding', Becky talked to us a lot about this concept of "duende". As simply as it gets, here is the meaning of duende:"Duende is a struggle and not a concept. It is not in the throat, but comes up from inside, up from the very soles of the feet."Basically for me that means that duende is something that comes from our very being that can't really be explained but can be expressed by examples of things, songs, experiences, people. I think that duende can produce itself in many different forms. Pretty much duende is whatever makes you FEEL. Like, really FEEL!
I've been thinking a lot lately about this person who has been this "thing" in my life since I met this person. And as much as I sometimes wish that they were not part of my life (for different reasons), I think that their being in my life is sort of an inevitable thing. Something that has needed to happen for one reason or another. I've liked this person since the moment I met them. We've tried being an "us" a few times, but for reasons that I really don't understand, it has never really worked out. Maybe it's him, or maybe it's me. Maybe it's neither or both. Who knows? But the point is, I have this gut feeling that this person is supposed to be in my life. At this point I'm starting to think that I'm crazy, but honestly, I haven't felt this strongly about someone in so long. Right now, I think that I'm waiting for something to happen, not wanting to budge an inch till something does. But I guess it's time to move on and see what happens. I just pray that even though we may never be a "we", at least we can be friends.
One more thing I want to share before I end this monster. It is a poem Becky shared with us, which explains a lot about how I feel about this person. I mean, don't get me wrong. This is not a literal translation of my exact feelings, but it speaks about love and, even though I am not "in love" with this person, I have a love for him that just cannot be explained. I made the part that really hits home the most a little bolder than the rest of the text.
"I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz or arrow of carnations that propagate fire: I love you as certain dark things are loved, secretly, between the shadow and the soul. I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries hidden within itself the light of those flowers, and thanks to your love, darkly in my body lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth. I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where, I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close."
There is this song called Human by Jon McLaughlin and in this song there is line that states:
"...after all, we're only human. Always fighting what we're feeling. Hurt instead of healing. Is there any other reason that we stay instead of leaving?" I suppose part of our inabilities come from ourselves and the way that "we accept the love we think we deserve". (a quote from 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower')
My friend India had a very interesting post about this quote that I'd love to share:
""We accept the love we think we deserve."-The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Lately, I've been wondering exactly what this quote meant to me and I think I've finally come to a revelation.Maybe he's fallen out of love with you and you don't know why, or maybe she's obviously still in love with you, but her affections are being shown to another man. Maybe he's too blind to see how perfect you really are for him, or maybe she lets what other people think keep her from being with you, maybe he's too afraid to love you…it doesn't matter. The point is if we accept the love we think we deserve then what does that say about what we think we deserve? And what does that say about these people that have a hold on our hearts? It's been tearing me up inside lately, and I've just been puzzled about what I should do. The thing is I know that the love I deserve, the love we all deserve, is a love where we are loved in return. Obviously we all see something amazing in that other person; something worth fighting for, something that's kept us around for this long, something that makes it hard for us to let go. But in the long run, by holding on so ardently and by hoping, wishing, praying that he'll come around. That he'll realize how well you work together; how perfect things could be we're losing sight of what we deserve and focusing only on what we feel. We're giving up. I saw another quote somewhere that said, "Sometimes its best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve." When you get so caught up in that "perfect" person, you miss the opportunity to find the person who really is perfect for you. If these people that we have given our hearts to don't appreciate it…do they really deserve us? Or maybe it's just that we're so comfortable with them that we're afraid to let go and see what could really be waiting for us."Eventually one of two things will happen: he'll realize you're worth it or you'll finally realize he isn't.""
I just though that this would be nice to share!
I guess my biggest thing is realizing this for myself. It's just that when it comes to matters of the heart, not only do I follow my heart, but in most cases I follow my gut. Speaking of the gut, during 'Blood Wedding', Becky talked to us a lot about this concept of "duende". As simply as it gets, here is the meaning of duende:"Duende is a struggle and not a concept. It is not in the throat, but comes up from inside, up from the very soles of the feet."Basically for me that means that duende is something that comes from our very being that can't really be explained but can be expressed by examples of things, songs, experiences, people. I think that duende can produce itself in many different forms. Pretty much duende is whatever makes you FEEL. Like, really FEEL!
I've been thinking a lot lately about this person who has been this "thing" in my life since I met this person. And as much as I sometimes wish that they were not part of my life (for different reasons), I think that their being in my life is sort of an inevitable thing. Something that has needed to happen for one reason or another. I've liked this person since the moment I met them. We've tried being an "us" a few times, but for reasons that I really don't understand, it has never really worked out. Maybe it's him, or maybe it's me. Maybe it's neither or both. Who knows? But the point is, I have this gut feeling that this person is supposed to be in my life. At this point I'm starting to think that I'm crazy, but honestly, I haven't felt this strongly about someone in so long. Right now, I think that I'm waiting for something to happen, not wanting to budge an inch till something does. But I guess it's time to move on and see what happens. I just pray that even though we may never be a "we", at least we can be friends.
One more thing I want to share before I end this monster. It is a poem Becky shared with us, which explains a lot about how I feel about this person. I mean, don't get me wrong. This is not a literal translation of my exact feelings, but it speaks about love and, even though I am not "in love" with this person, I have a love for him that just cannot be explained. I made the part that really hits home the most a little bolder than the rest of the text.
"I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz or arrow of carnations that propagate fire: I love you as certain dark things are loved, secretly, between the shadow and the soul. I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries hidden within itself the light of those flowers, and thanks to your love, darkly in my body lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth. I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where, I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close."
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