the end of what was and the beginning of what will be

i need to speak with patrick.
it's been building up inside of me,
what is right and what is wrong
what i feel and what i don't
what i should say, want to say
but can't.
i tried to call him tonight.
"out at dinner. later." is all i got in reply.
and is all i got for the night.
so i sent another bitchy text
like i always do when i feel like
i've been made a fool yet again.
he makes me feel like that
a lot.
and i hate it.
a lot.
i finally had the words, i've had the words
and i finally felt like i knew exactly what to say
but i didn't get my big break.
i'll see him at work tomorrow
like i always do
and i pray to God that the words will come.
i guess i'm so upset because i miss the way
he always used to come in with a big smile
just for me. looks i stole from him that were
only mine. and now i feel like i am not even ever
acknowledged. i want those smiles, i want those looks.
i want to be his best friend and his worst enemy
all at the same time.
awkwardness can be so beautiful.
someone once said to embrace the awkwardness
because that is what makes like so grand.
this awkwardness that i feel around him is
not beautiful. it's saddening and unfair.
tomorrow.
tomorrow will be the end of what was
and the beginning of what will be.
and i pray that what will be is beautiful.