Sunday, January 6, 2008
school daze
So, I'm heading back to school tomorrow, which excites me and scares me all at the same time. I need so badly to do well this semester. I guess we'll see. Also, I'm not working at Houlihan's during the week anymore which is good because I'll be able to focus only on school during the week, but I'll also miss seeing certain people especially when I feel like that is the only time I see those certain people. Anyways....wish me luck!
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Adjusting to the New You
There are several things that I wanted to accomplish this year, which I have already seemed to be failing at miserably. I haven't even attempted to stop smoking yet. Actually, I just bought a new pack yesterday. And, so far, I have spent the money to open a gym membership, but have only worked out once...for like 10 minutes. This whole not dating thing? HA! Well, I DID talk to Patrick and work things out. What I got from the conversation was that we both like hanging out with each other and whatever happens, happens, but we are NOT dating. And that is a-okay with me. But then that exact night, "somebody else" got home and well...one thing lead to another. But I don't want to date him. I don't want to date anyone. Then I met this guy last night, who I've met before, but we actually seemed to "hit it off" last night when we met again. He added me to facebook and everything...ooh! I'm supposed to go to a party tonight, but after partying it up last night then calling out of work today, I feel so guilty with myself, I feel like I should just go to bed early tonight and get to work early tomorrow, you know? School starts Monday and I am so very excited. I need something to do with my time. I hate being out of school for too long. I don't know if I could handle a semester off. I'd probably shoot myself.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
the end of what was and the beginning of what will be
i need to speak with patrick.
it's been building up inside of me,
what is right and what is wrong
what i feel and what i don't
what i should say, want to say
but can't.
i tried to call him tonight.
"out at dinner. later." is all i got in reply.
and is all i got for the night.
so i sent another bitchy text
like i always do when i feel like
i've been made a fool yet again.
he makes me feel like that
a lot.
and i hate it.
a lot.
i finally had the words, i've had the words
and i finally felt like i knew exactly what to say
but i didn't get my big break.
i'll see him at work tomorrow
like i always do
and i pray to God that the words will come.
i guess i'm so upset because i miss the way
he always used to come in with a big smile
just for me. looks i stole from him that were
only mine. and now i feel like i am not even ever
acknowledged. i want those smiles, i want those looks.
i want to be his best friend and his worst enemy
all at the same time.
awkwardness can be so beautiful.
someone once said to embrace the awkwardness
because that is what makes like so grand.
this awkwardness that i feel around him is
not beautiful. it's saddening and unfair.
tomorrow.
tomorrow will be the end of what was
and the beginning of what will be.
and i pray that what will be is beautiful.
it's been building up inside of me,
what is right and what is wrong
what i feel and what i don't
what i should say, want to say
but can't.
i tried to call him tonight.
"out at dinner. later." is all i got in reply.
and is all i got for the night.
so i sent another bitchy text
like i always do when i feel like
i've been made a fool yet again.
he makes me feel like that
a lot.
and i hate it.
a lot.
i finally had the words, i've had the words
and i finally felt like i knew exactly what to say
but i didn't get my big break.
i'll see him at work tomorrow
like i always do
and i pray to God that the words will come.
i guess i'm so upset because i miss the way
he always used to come in with a big smile
just for me. looks i stole from him that were
only mine. and now i feel like i am not even ever
acknowledged. i want those smiles, i want those looks.
i want to be his best friend and his worst enemy
all at the same time.
awkwardness can be so beautiful.
someone once said to embrace the awkwardness
because that is what makes like so grand.
this awkwardness that i feel around him is
not beautiful. it's saddening and unfair.
tomorrow.
tomorrow will be the end of what was
and the beginning of what will be.
and i pray that what will be is beautiful.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
The Beginning of Another Year
The beginning of another year and so many things that I want to accomplish. It amazes me how much has happened in one year and I wonder what this year has in store.
After much thought, I have come up with my resolutions for this year and I plan on sticking to them. My first resolution: STOP SMOKING!! First off, I should have never started, because a) it really is a gross habit, but jeez, sometimes a cigarette is just so very good. Best cigarettes of my life would have to be the first one ever and the first one of the day. I will miss these moments dearly because I felt that, even if for a moment, I was able to stop time for a second and I had no worries or fears. Just calm. Anywho, no more smoking. My second resolution is: LOSE SOME WEIGHT!! Just a few pounds...really, I just need tone up some. The big thing is that by this summer, I want a flat stomach. I want swimsuit season to be a good season for me, you know?
Besides this, there are some things that I really want to happen so that I can be a stronger person. I am done dating people for awhile. I liked a guy that I worked with and dated him. It didn't work out and right now I'm not sure what our status is exactly. It shouldn't be that way though. I should know exactly what is going on and since I don't I have come to the point where I feel like, no matter what he is thinking, I have to do whats right for me. Which means that I am NOT dating him anymore. I refuse to be treated less than what I deserve. From this point on he will only be my friend and honestly, that is wearing thin right now too. Last night, as you know, was New Years Eve. I called him several times to wish him a Happy New Year and he didn't answer...not even once. Even a good friend would answer, so it doesnt matter if we are dating or not. That was probably one of the most heartbreaking things for me to begin my New Year with. So, this is why I am done dating people. I have been dating some person or another back to back since this summer and even though I have been single for a bigger percentage of my life, I feel like I need to be single for awhile and figure out what I really need. You know, like really find what makes my life harmonious for lack of a better word.
Also, I hate how people treat people in relationships. People ruin people. The reason people freak out about relationships when they're in relationships is because some jackass who came before ripped our hearts out and stomped on them. It's so hard to walk away from a relationship that ended as a completely whole person. Because I believe that every person that you are involved with takes a little piece of you with them until eventually you are left with nothing. You want to know why people are so willing to not believe before they will believe or not trust before they'll actually trust? It's because how people treated us before. It the piece of us that they took. It's the lessons we learned and the tears we cried. It's the hours wasted away. People ruin people. And it's so very sad to me.
After much thought, I have come up with my resolutions for this year and I plan on sticking to them. My first resolution: STOP SMOKING!! First off, I should have never started, because a) it really is a gross habit, but jeez, sometimes a cigarette is just so very good. Best cigarettes of my life would have to be the first one ever and the first one of the day. I will miss these moments dearly because I felt that, even if for a moment, I was able to stop time for a second and I had no worries or fears. Just calm. Anywho, no more smoking. My second resolution is: LOSE SOME WEIGHT!! Just a few pounds...really, I just need tone up some. The big thing is that by this summer, I want a flat stomach. I want swimsuit season to be a good season for me, you know?
Besides this, there are some things that I really want to happen so that I can be a stronger person. I am done dating people for awhile. I liked a guy that I worked with and dated him. It didn't work out and right now I'm not sure what our status is exactly. It shouldn't be that way though. I should know exactly what is going on and since I don't I have come to the point where I feel like, no matter what he is thinking, I have to do whats right for me. Which means that I am NOT dating him anymore. I refuse to be treated less than what I deserve. From this point on he will only be my friend and honestly, that is wearing thin right now too. Last night, as you know, was New Years Eve. I called him several times to wish him a Happy New Year and he didn't answer...not even once. Even a good friend would answer, so it doesnt matter if we are dating or not. That was probably one of the most heartbreaking things for me to begin my New Year with. So, this is why I am done dating people. I have been dating some person or another back to back since this summer and even though I have been single for a bigger percentage of my life, I feel like I need to be single for awhile and figure out what I really need. You know, like really find what makes my life harmonious for lack of a better word.
Also, I hate how people treat people in relationships. People ruin people. The reason people freak out about relationships when they're in relationships is because some jackass who came before ripped our hearts out and stomped on them. It's so hard to walk away from a relationship that ended as a completely whole person. Because I believe that every person that you are involved with takes a little piece of you with them until eventually you are left with nothing. You want to know why people are so willing to not believe before they will believe or not trust before they'll actually trust? It's because how people treated us before. It the piece of us that they took. It's the lessons we learned and the tears we cried. It's the hours wasted away. People ruin people. And it's so very sad to me.
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