Love

i have decided to slowly and surely start infusing love back into my life in several diffrent ways.

1. love others: I want to love people with open arms and an open mind. I want to love people without judgement. I want to love people because they ARE unique and different. I want to love people even if we dont necessarily "click".

2. love myself: I mean i do, but i dont at the same time? i love myself okay, but i want to fall head over heels for myself you know? i want to stop worrying about what others think and start focusing on how i feel and what i need. i want to love my life to its fullest.

a friend passed away recently whos love filled...everything and everyone. i admire that. but that is foreign territory for me. ive learned to live with this thinking: survive any way possible. only because ive been there and ive been that girl. i used to think that way. i still think that way only i hide it better. now i just want to live and love and laugh and have a grande time. life is way too short to do otherwise.

one of those days...

yes, i am having one of those awkward, don't feel quite right days. it's about him but doesn't stem from him. i don't know what to do but struggle through this and be better for it later.

in response...

...to something I just saw.
-You may be looking, but you will never find what you are looking for unless you stop chasing the ungettable and actually open yourself up to the possible. You like the chase my friend, but once you get it? Then what? Open your eyes friend. You don't want what you think you want, therefore you'll never get what you deserve. You won't find it here. Not now. Not anymore. You had it, and you lost it. You let it go away. And it lost you too, but what is the bigger loss? Maybe when you find yourself, you'll find it. Give a few more years, because your time is not now. I told a friend today that I was perfectly content...and I am, for now. But I still pray that our time will come around again. I just hope its not too late before that happens. Because after all this, I refuse to wait around for you. My life has already begun, and you are nowhere in it.

finding the balance

Joe told me this, you know, to "find the balance" within my life. At first I was like "impossible right now". But I've really been focusing on what I need versus what I want and I feel like slowly yet surely, I am finding it! Lately, I've had no need to be with/see this boy any more than really needed. I've been content though with the time that we have spent together, not getting upset at his departure for the evening. And I feel like our friendship is steadily becoming like it was before...okay, a little better! I feel like I am in a good place, and gosh dern it, I feel happy, like truly happy for the first time in a long time! Thank you Joe!

some days...

sometimes i wish i were living a different life as a different person in some new exotic place far away. not that i don't love my life now, but i just wish that sometimes i could experience new things that i've yet to experience. like life over-seas in paris or france. or crazy exhilarating things like bungee jumping or parasailing. or love and relationships other than those with family and friends. i mean, like change your life, wake up elated, smile for no reason, soul inspiring love. sometimes i wish i were someone or somewhere else because i feel like after 22 years of having no success in this field, maybe id actually have a chance at it if i were not me or not where i am currently. there is someone though (when isn't there, really) that i do care for immensely. we are so much alike in many ways and in that retrospect we are very very different in other ways. i want a relationship. he doesn't. i like him. he doesn't like me. my friends think he does. he thinks not. which is more important than what others think im afraid. i dont know what to do with myself. its heartbreaking to wake up with or without him in my bed, just knowing that today will never be my day. the thing is, we are such good friends, i never want to ruin that. but where is the balance? where is my happy ending? he gets his. he gets the physicality and the emotional aspect of it all without the commitment. and i just hand it to him on a silver platter. and the only thing he has to deal with is the occasional "talk", where we decide to officially be "just friends", then break that rule day(s) later. is this the never-ending cycle of my life? is this the never-ending cycle of my right now, with him? he used to like me so much and now nothing? it makes me wonder how true his feelings were for me to begin with, so many years ago when he actually did "like" me. because if "j" (not the current guy but the guy before him) were to walk into my life right now and we got really close and he were to ask me out, no matter how heartbroken he made me feel before, i think i could honestly say that all my feelings would rush back to me and id honest to goodness like him again. but thats because i really liked him. i say im over him now and that i wouldnt but really, if the opportunity were to present itself again, i dont know, i really think id go for it. so that leaves me thinking two things about current guy. 1) he never really liked me....just had a tiny infatuation with me. or 2) he really does like me despite what he says but he doesnt want a relationship. i mean, i know he doesnt want a relationship but why would he lie to me then about liking me? maybe to make things better for me? well, spending the night a few times a week does not help. in fact, it hurts. a lot.

randomness

I feel like I'm doing a lot better than I have been doing these past few weeks. Though things with a certain person are as muddled as ever, I feel like I know his opinion on this whole situation and though it is not what I necessarily want, it helps me through my day. After talking with my friend Joe, he brought up something that makes complete sense and I don't know why I haven't thought of it before. Oh wait, I have, except that it is going to be super hard to do and thinking about it now makes me a little upset. Anyways, Joe said that I can't give this guy the cake and let him eat it too. And he is completely right. He said that I need to set boundaries with this guy, and boundaries are what is going to be set. No more late night rendezvous for us. He gets none of that. I mean Jesus, this whole weekend was nothing but giving in and...no. Just no. I'm through. And hell, Spring Break is right around the corner. I don't even plan on talking to him not even once till after the break. Hopefully my friend Joe will come visit during the break and my life will be exponentially better just from that!

Little Lessons

Today, I decided to do something nice for myself. I figured since I've been so busy loving other people, I needed time to stop and love myself for a little while. So, I took myself out to lunch. Just me and astronomy homework :) And I didn't feel awkward or lonely. I felt strong and healthy and independent. I felt damn good! One turkey burger and two to-go sweet teas later, I found myself wandering over to my friends room where, shortly after I got there, he passed out leaving his computer open for whatever. And to my surprise I caught my friend Joe online. My friend Joe is wonderful. By far, one of the best people I've met in my life. He can read me like a book, and unlike most guys, is not an idiot when it comes to the obvious. Thank you God for at least one of them! First thing he asks me is if I've been lovesick and I guess to a certain extent I have been. So I replied yes and what followed made my entire day. He put a lot of things into perspective for me that I wouldn't have thought about till then. This whole "thing" thats going on with this guy is a whole lot simpler than I've been making it out to be. Joe's biggest advice? "Just let it play out". He also told me that this whole "not talking to the guy thing" is just a form of instant gratification and that I should avoid that and suffer through this. I mean, not technically s.u.f.f.e.r. but I should just ride it out with all of its highs and lows. And then at the end of everything I can say that I've learned something. And, if you don't me and haven't talked to me, then you may not know this little fact about me. I am a huge, I mean GINORMOUS believer in learning something from your experiences and hardships and just from every day life. With every relationship I've had, whether it be friends or an actual boyfriend type relationship, I've been able to take something with me that I'll never forget. Even my friend Joe: he set the standard for guys I date in the future. He is just that wonderful! After all was said and done, he said one final thing (well, not final final, but pretty close to final). He said that no matter what, me and this guy were friends first, whether is started with him liking me or me liking hin. Joe told me to cherish this friendship. He told me to be the wonderful person that he knows I am and maybe, just maybe the guy will change his mind. For now though, don't count on it. No games, be happy, be me. That made my whole day!